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Breaking a habit…self attack

It’s said that it takes 21 days to break a habit. For me, with regard to self attack – 21 days looks like an eternity. I have a long way to go and it may take me sometime. I don’t seem to be able go 21 seconds without some form of self attack, some vile, insidious thought or comment designed to do only one thing – wound, not mortally you understand, but enough to disable, debilitate or prevent me …to quote my dear Dad… from getting too big for my boots.

Self-attack is a particularly nasty little habit. It infects all parts of our lives. It causes misery and torment at every opportunity. It also comes in many forms and wears many disguises. We may experience it as additions, toxic relationships, martyrdom, being a victim, watching car-crash TV, playing mind-numbing games, self-sabotage, abusing food, drugs etc. and of course the ever present inner critic or judge.

Isn’t it odd how that voice often has a familiar ring? Someone in authority, someone who we care about and whose love or approval we seek or perhaps a person we believe has power over us. In truth we’ve given them the script in order that we can disassociate or split off from owning up to such awful cruelty. But have no doubt of the true origin of those spiteful shame-filled comments. And even more strange is how many of us are comfortable living under its influence. It is a familiar foe.

My next line of enquiry is WHY?

Why are we so damn mean, so vile, so crippling to ourselves? Why do we doubt our talent, beauty, wholeness and innocence? What possible use could self attack have? Good question…

Logically, of course, the answer would be that it has no use whatever. But then why do so many of us operate from this shadowy, despicable place? Others may look like they have it all sorted but scratch not even very far below the surface and you will find self–attack sitting smugly at the head of the table calling the shots.

For those who are thinking that this doesn’t relate to them …just look at your world and notice how much violence and misery is out there. We are all playing our part.

My saving grace is that at least I am aware of what I’m doing to myself now. I suspect for most of my life – certainly the first 35 years or so – I was attacking myself, not only continuously but unconsciously too. The inner critic is far harder on the self than any outside attack, simply because it is so relentless. Imagine putting up with someone hitting you endlessly? You won’t tolerate it …right?

Of course, in truth, all of this is a story, told repeatedly, to allow us to justify our actions and our perceived failures. It’s only when we own up, catch the story and see it for what it is: One big fat lie… that we can begin the compassionate adjustments and alignments that will encourage, support and nurture change. Loving myself IN the self attack could be a start. I suspect that these thoughts may never stop coming but how I react and respond to them is the key. So Day 1 of 21….

The only way out is through.
The only way through is Love.
Love is the only way.

May you know peace beyond measure, dear friends…
LOVE, Light and Blessings

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